Chakras – The Surprise of Your Lifetime, Well THIS Lifetime

IMG_7637 What in the name of Saint Germain are your chakras doing?

Are they blocked? Slow? Hot or cold? Are they tingly or sending satisfied puffs into the ether? Did you buy those balancing CD’s? I’m going to need you to look calmly into the mirror, today, and say fuck my chakras. I know, I know. Try it just for today.

We’re too rigid with this chakra chart and kundalini business. The bunch of us spiritual types are walking around “processing” and “clearing” and it helps conceptually. Guess what, though, you ain’t got to do diddly but live your life well, and your chakras will fall in line like schnitzel at a shoe factory.

The Uncontrollable Blossoming 

Your chakras open and close like flowers minute to minute, second to second. Don’t believe me? Ask my higher self. She is a smart ass, with a hand in her pocket like Alanis Morissette, but she’s holding a to-do list that doesn’t include saying lam, vam, ram, yam, ham, etc. Chakras are automatic for you, people! Or maybe they aren’t. Maybe your chakras are on strike because you’ve done as I’ve asked and told them to fuck off. What I’m saying is that you don’t need to micromanage; just figure out what pleases you during the day. Figure out how to fix or work on what needs change or repair.


Every morning on my way to work my throat chakra would bunch up, like I had eaten a sock. But in fact, I’d spent the last 20 minutes trying to get a 4-year-old ready for school. I’d said, “Brush your teeth,” seventeen times. I’d rushed around from laundry hamper to lunch box. You bet I had energy ready to burst out of my mouth. Finally, I figured out that I had to sing The Black-eyed Peas once in the car. That’s all! I had to turn on my favorite joyful and empowering music. Don’t bust out Total Eclipse of the Heart and feel like Pema Chodron. Play feel-good music, not that couples skate crap that makes you relive some bullshit experience that should be fed to a black hole far, far away.

You know what you should be doing differently. Maybe there are areas of your life where you need help, but you’ve got a clue. You’ve got intuition. You have the power to change your life and change your energy just as you would change your energy to change your life.

You know how to clear your chakras? Do something different. Move around. Exercise or work on a project. Feel good about your accomplishment. Will everything that ever held you back be gone? No, but do this over and over, and I bet you will be living well.


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